Alweer een poosje geleden dat ik mijn vorige post online heb gezet. Ik ben dankbaar voor alle lieve woorden die ik daarop gekregen heb. Hierbij een update over hoe het met mij gaat, wat ik nu allemaal doe en hoe ik naar de toekomst kijk. Ook wil ik even kort alle leuke gebeurtenissen uit 2018 benoemen.
Als eerste wil ik benoemen dat ik nog steeds lekker in me vel zit, ik ben nog steeds ‘gelukkig’. Ik ben tot de dag van vandaag nog steeds trots op mezelf en op de keuzes die ik gemaakt heb. Ik leer steeds meer over mezelf en wat ik nou wil in de toekomst.
Daarbij komt als eerst kijken: mijn studie. We zijn nou 3 maand verder, mijn eerste tentamenweek gehad. Heel trots op mijn eerste voldoendes die ik heb binnen gehaald. Zoal Mo zei: “Zie je nou wel dat je het kan, laat niemand je meer wijs maken dat je geen HBO niveau aan kan.” En daar heeft ze gelijk in. Zonder jou was ik ook niet zo ver gekomen hoor!
Maar op mijn eerste ‘echte’ tentamen heb ik een onvoldoende gehaald. Psychologie. Wat eigenlijk het leukste vak was van deze periode vind ik het nu geen leuk vak meer haha. Een boek van 400 blz. uit je hoofd weten. Of naja de theorieën van elkaar onderscheiden. Maar ik mijn ogen het hele boek moet kennen. Wat ik voorheen op het MBO deed, een dag van tevoren even overlezen en dan een voldoende halen gaat nu op het HBO echt niet meer werken. Met volle motivatie ben ik ook een paar week van tevoren begonnen met leren. Geen idee met wat ik aan het doen was, omdat ik nooit echt heb geleerd om te leren. Tja, is toch wel een dingetje dat leren. Iemand die tips heeft? Altijd welkom haha! Maarja een 3,9 gehaald. En eerlijk? Ik heb er serieus om gehuild. Het kwam echt wel een beetje binnen als een domper. Ik zag het zelf als falen. Maar door veel lieve en motiverende woorden zag ik wel in dat dit niet het einde van de wereld was. Gewoon met volle moed voor die herkansing gaan en hopelijk toch nog mijn propedeuse binnen halen dit jaar.
Ja, HBO… een hele andere wereld als wat ik gewend was. Maar ik ben nog steeds blij met deze keuze. Het is pittig maar we gaan ervoor. Ik heb tenslotte mijn ouders beloofd om altijd mijn beste te blijven doen voor school, en dit wil ik ook waar maken.
Zaterdag 24 november heb ik mijn verjaardag gevierd met een klein groepje vrienden. 4/5 jaar geleden dat ik mijn verjaardag heb gevierd. Eindelijk had ik er weer behoefte aan en ik heb het gewoon gedaan. En wat een stress had ik haha. Maar het was hartstikke leuk en ben verwend door mijn lieve vrienden.
27 november ben ik 21 geworden. En ja ik voel me een oma en ja zelfs mijn vrienden noemen mij zo. Maar je wordt maar 1 keer 21 jaar dus dan moet je het toch even vieren. De zondag daarop hebben we sinterklaas en mijn verjaardag met het gezin gevierd. Ik vind sinterklaas altijd leuk om te vieren. Bij ons wordt altijd helemaal uitgepakt met surprises en gedichten, wat altijd uitloopt op gieren en brullen. Het is altijd fijn om mijn familie dan bij elkaar te zien en samen er wat leuks van te maken.
En ja, kerst. Nog steeds kijk ik er wel een beetje tegenop. En dit jaar eigenlijk weer een beetje meer omdat we het nu anders gaan vieren. We vierden het elk jaar bij oma met de hele familie, maar dat lukt niet meer. Ik ga dit jaar het met mijn gezin vieren, we gaan bowlen en eten en daarna opstap met elkaar aangezien dat een traditie is. Ik verheug me er wel op maar met veel dubbele gevoelens. Ik vind het nog steeds moeilijk om te kunnen genieten met kerst. Maar ik probeer wel altijd te genieten omdat ik de rest van mijn familie nog wel om mij heen heb met deze dagen. Rond deze tijd merk ik dat vaker ‘dipjes’ heb. Ik ben dan toch weer meer bezig met mijn ouders en dan ga ik ze toch wat meer missen. Ik ben ook zo’n persoon die in de avond op bed daar veel over na gaat denken en dat eindigt dan in een huilbui. Maar dat moet er ook uit en dat hoort er ook bij denk ik dan maar zo. De feestdagen blijven toch altijd moeilijk. En helemaal als je verhalen hoort van anderen als ze leuke dingen gaan doen met hun ouders. Maar dat hoort er allemaal bij en je gaat dat ook steeds meer accepteren maar het gemis en verdriet zal nooit over gaan.
Maar er zijn ook dagen dat ik me wel goed voel en soms even te goed. Aangezien ik 21 werd en daarom mijn wezenpensioen is vervallen moest ik wel geld gaan verdienen (tenminste, dat zei ik tegen mezelf.) Ik had een leuk bijbaantje voor in het weekend gevonden, het werk was leuk en het team was leuk, maar toch merkte ik dat het een obstakel was voor school. Ik merkte doordat ik minder tijd had voor school een beetje begon achter te lopen. En aangezien ik deze periode moet leren voor 4 tentamens heb ik dus besloten om te stoppen met werken omdat ik school toch belangrijker vindt. Ik had hiervoor een heel leuk oppas baantje. Ook hierin merkte ik dat het gewoon moeilijk te combineren is met school. Helaas moet je dan beslissingen nemen.
Ik heb gemerkt dat doordat ik weer lekker in mijn vel zat even te enthousiast bezig ben gegaan, even te veel hooi op mijn vork genomen. Daarin voel ik me dan soms te goed, en denk ik dat ik dat allemaal wel aan kan. Maar wat is dat dan energievretend. En vooral moeilijk te combineren met school helaas.
Ook was ik weer begonnen met dansen, ik miste het ontzettend erg en wilde het weer oppakken. Maar helaas is mijn studie op dit moment zoveel en kan ik daar helaas niet meer door gaan. Het is wel lastig dat je niet met je passie bezig kan gaan omdat school zoveel is. Maar school is prioriteit nummer 1 en is dat wel belangrijker. Ik vind het heel jammer dat ik de tijd niet meer heb om te kunnen dansen of sporten, want ik mis het toch wel heel erg.
Ik heb hierdoor wel weer ingezien dat ik te fanatiek ben bezig gegaan sinds ik me weer ‘gelukkiger’ voelde. Ik heb beseft dat ik toch wel op de rem moest stappen. Het is best gek dat je je daarin dan jezelf niet goed kent. Je merkt dan zelf wat je wel en niet aan kan, en dan moet je toch weer vervelende beslissingen gaan nemen. Maar toch kies ik wel iedere keer voor mezelf en daar ben ik heel trots op.
En verder? Ik leer elke dag meer over mezelf. Vooral door mijn studie, omdat je in het eerste jaar dit juist moet doen. Wie ben jij nou en wat wil en kan je? Ik vind het persoonlijk wel fijn om mezelf te leren kennen en mezelf te zien op verschillende manieren. Ik heb daardoor ook gemerkt dat als alles even teveel wordt, ik gelijk in een negatieve bui kom. Maar door veel gesprekken en adviezen met lieve vrienden en klasgenoten is dat wel weer omgegaan in een positieve bui. Ik werk hard voor mijn studie maar het is allemaal de moeite waard.
Ik merk vooral door mijn studie dat ik meer in de maatschappij wil doen aan jongeren en rouw. Ik moet voor een vak een onderzoeksverslag maken en doe dat ook over dit onderwerp. Ik merk dat er gewoon weinig over bekend is en hier weinig aan wordt gedaan. Daardoor heb ik steeds meer de wil om hier wat aan te gaan doen. Ik wil daarom na mijn studie ook aan de slag als ervaringsdeskundige/ rouwdeskundige. Het lijkt me fijn om jongeren te kunnen helpen die aan het rouwen zijn. Ik heb me ook verdiept in verschillende organisaties die hierin wat doen. Het lijkt me heel fijn om anderen hierin te kunnen helpen. In mijn omgeving hoor ik ook vaak dat ze mij dit ook zien doen en dat geeft mij een goed gevoel.
Het einde is bijna inzicht, 2018 is bijna voorbij. Een heel wisselend jaar met veel leuke maar ook minder leuke dingen. Ik ben vooral dit jaar dankbaar dat ik heb geleerd om mezelf op nummer 1 te zetten. Dit was een hele stap waar ik al jaren mee zat. Maar nu heb ik eindelijk de stap gezet en voel ik me daar alleen maar beter door. Ook weet ik wat ik aan de mensen om mij heen heb. Familie en vrienden die er daadwerkelijk voor je zijn als je ze nodig bent. En dat is ook wat mij gelukkig maakt.
Ik ben blij dat ik uiteindelijk toch mijn blog online heb gedaan en dat ik er veel mensen mee heb kunnen helpen of heb kunnen inspireren. Ook heb ik begin dit jaar een tattoo laten zetten met mijn broers en zus. Ik ben op de dag vandaag nog steeds erg dankbaar voor alles wat ze voor mij hebben gedaan, dat ze mij altijd steunen en dat ik altijd bij ze terecht kan. Ook al zijn het soms een stel idioten, ik hou heel veel van ze haha! Ook heb ik dit jaar mijn MBO niveau 4 diploma behaald en heb ik de stap naar het HBO gemaakt. Ook ben ik weer gaan wonen bij mijn zus in huis.
Ik ben blij dat ik door die keus elke dag mijn kleine nichtje kan zien opgroeien, dat ik elke dag kan knuffelen en kusjes geven en dat zij mij elke dag weer laat lachen.
En zo zijn er nog genoeg dingen die ik kan benoemen.
Ik hoop ook dat iedereen met leuke herinneringen terug kan kijken naar dit jaar. Voor 2019 staan er al een aantal leuke dingen gepland waar ik al erg naar uit kijk. Ik hoop dat ik verder kan in mijn blog, en mensen kan blijven inspireren. Als er ook vragen zijn of als je benieuwd bent naar iets, laat het me weten! Ik vind het leuk om daar blog posts over te maken!
Ik wens iedereen fijne feestdagen en alvast een gelukkig nieuwjaar!
Laat mensen die dicht bij je staan weten dat je om ze geeft en van ze houdt. Geniet van de mensen om je heen met deze dagen. En maak samen mooie herinneringen!
– XOXO –
Merlin
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